Dear PCOS

Dear PCOS,

Hello.  I have finally found the time to sit down and write you a letter since you've forced made your way back into my life.  I wasn't the happiest when I realized that you and I were uneasy partners again, especially when it no longer feels as though we're 50/50.

I just have a few things I need to talk with you about . . . . the first being my fertility.  Now that I have gone through two pregnancies and then two periods of being off all of my meds while breastfeeding, I understand the reason you made me infertile . . . . you knew I would enjoy being pregnant!  You knew I wouldn't have the migraines every night!  This time around, I am beginning to understand you so much more!

Next, the weight gain!  I'm thinking you make me gain weight so easily to ensure that I keep on track with my workouts!  You WANT me to be healthy, and in your little messed up way, making me gain 3 pounds in a week just by being a little lazy with my workouts is just to ensure I quickly resume my workouts! 

Depression!  This was a little harder to understand, but then again, if all life's lessons were easy, we wouldn't enjoy learning!  I have determined you have me sinking into a pretty good depression lately to ensure I enjoy each and every giggle my girls surprise out of me. 

I am warning you, I go see our doctor in a little over 2 weeks.  I'm starting to make a list of topics I would like to discuss with her, including a new medication that sounds interesting.  I also hope to share with her that, although you're back in my life, I'm working hard at making this a more balanced relationship through lifestyle modifications, including diet and exercise.  My goal is to be on lowest dose of meds possible and for you to be nothing more than a silent partner!

Again, I just wanted to acknowledge your presence in my life and to let you know, this WILL be a balanced relationship; you will NOT be in charge of me!

~ Jaime

Closing the Door

The last few hours of 2010 are quickly ticking away.  I'm currently tucked in bed with my Little One while she decides if she IS going to sleep, or if she may wake up and want a snack.

Waiting for her to make this decision, I let my mind wander and realize that, last New Years at this time, we were still praying we would have more children in our life.  How neat to know that our prayers were answered with such a perfect gift!

I continue to wander and think of everything that has happened this past year . . . I lost a friend - one of the best people to ever step on this planet.  I am still of the opinion that his prayers helped when I was using fertility treatments.  To go even further, I think he's my little Miz Aise's guardian angel.  We lost family members - one of the oldest and the very youngest. My heart still aches each time I think of my little cousin's passing.  I am comforted in knowing my Great Uncle Earl is there with her.

Miss Mia  . . . . let's see . . . .
~ is going potty without accidents.  I was so worried with how she would do when Miz Aise came and she had to share the spot-light.  We had a few bumps (and still do), but nothing like what I thought.  Yah, we took a step or two back in potty training, when she would tell us it was Aise or Hansy who needed to go potty, but that trend quickly ended.  And yes, she'll still purposely do something forbidden to get our attention, but those are fewer and fewer. She makes up by being so cuddly with her sister and so protective of her. 
~ is getting so vocal.  It's amazing at how many words she now knows as well as how complex her sentences are becoming.  I love that she uses please, thank you, excuse me and I'm sorry.  Yesterday, she complimented a cashier at Lowe's by telling her she was wearing pretty make up.  It doesn't get much cuter than that - and it was so wonderful seeing the smile on that cashiers face.  She couldn't believe Miss Mia was only 2 - and that Miss Mia responded with the correct answer when she asked her her age. 
~ is able to do split jumps just like Miss Picky.  She dances up a storm whenever music comes on.  She has perfected her summersalt, does bridges and kicks. Now, she walks through stores doing cheerleading moves - again, just like Miss Picky.

Miz Aise . . . hmmm . . . her list is a little short . . .
~ is starting to get on a schedule for sleeping and eating.
~ is cooing and smiling.  She also started laughing on Christmas Day.
~ favors Miss Mia - her first smile was for her big Sister.  Her eyes follow Miss Mia everywhere.  She also coos more and gets all excited when hearing her sister's voice.
~ is currently wearing size 0-3 clothing and size 1 diapers while eating approx 4 oz milk at each feeding.  She doesn't like taking a bottle from me, preferring natural feeding, but she does accept it from every one else.  She has also started using the binky this last week instead of comfort nursing (I hate using binkies, but at the same time, I am sooo glad she's started that as she would "nurse" for 1/2 hr or longer and then would start freaking out if I would remove her!)

The Home . . . Hmmmm . . . .
~ We have my sewing room together and I've been using it for projects.  Have orders for 3 quilts.  Made 12 pillowcases for the 1 Million Pillowcase Challenge (in Russ' honor).  My friend Christine gave me some adorable material - and those pillowcases will be in Lainey's honor. 
~ Our sunroom was enjoyed throughout the entire year.  It has become one of Miss Mia's favorite rooms and it shows as most of her toys are stashed there.  I do still have to stucco the one wall, but it's complete but for that.
~ Outside, I didn't get much accomplished due to the extremely hot days and pregnancy . . . but we did plant some fruit trees.  I'm also planning to continue planting a garden, even if only to show the girls the enjoyment of watching something grow from seemingly nothing.

And, me . . .
~ My goal last year was to get pregnant.  I did accomplish that!  YAH!
~ The other half of my goal was to continue the weight loss.  I was doing great, getting into size 8s the week I got pregnant.  Now, my goal is to get back on the weight loss train.  I've been working out with the Wii and dancing with Miss Mia.  I can feel it - especially the days after doing a lot of lifting her!  The scale isn't showing a change, but I'm having fun and moving, so that's what counts.

For 2011 . . . .
~ I hope to continue improving myself through learning . . . .
~ I want to focus on becoming a better Mom to my two girls.  I want them to have fun childhoods where they were free to learn and be themselves - as well as to grow up normal, well-adjusted girls.
~ Physically, I want to keep working out and toward my goal weight.  I hope to defy my PCOS and stay med-free.  I will be starting my cinnamon supplements again.

Miz Aise has decided she needs her beauty sleep, so I'm going to tuck her into her cradle and snuggle in my own bed.

Happy New Years!

It's About That Time . . .

Miz Aise is quickly losing her newborn-ness and fast becoming an adorable baby.  This is wonderful news, but at the same time . . . it stinks.  I can't use the "I have a newborn" excuse much longer for why I am not in a full workout routine. 

Yes, my pants are falling off of me when I walk, but I still have a lot of weight to lose (thanks to the PCOS).   I also have the Mommy Belly still.  UGH.  Another positive is that my chest is no where as large as it was with my last pregnancy/breastfeeding time frame.  BUT I still have a lot of weight to lose.  Yes, I already said that.

On my 5'3 frame, my initial goal is to be back to my pre-PCOS/Post Wedding weight of 135 lbs.  I would love to get back to my 115 from high school, but I'm going to sit goals that I feel I can achieve without a miracle or being trapped in a cave with only water for 2 months. 

So, with all of my rambling, what am I saying?

Goal #1 - Get back down to 135 pounds (that's appox 20 lbs).
Goal #2 - Get back on a workout routine.
Goal #3 - Start hitting my 10,000 steps a day goal.
Goal #4 - Determine ways to make Fun Time with the Girls part of my fitness routine. 
Goal #5 - Find some danged will power and quit eating all of the the food that I see!

There.  A few goals.  Very easy ones actually.  I know I can do this . . . I went from 195 to 167 prior to my first pregnancy.  I was then down to 154 prior to this last pregnancy.  I KNOW I can whittle away the weight - and writing my goals and checking in with them on here will keep me on track!

Here we go!

Me Time Update

I finished up the Clomid on Friday. The 50mg a day was not bothersome. After reading some of the message board postings, I had been worried that I might have hot flashes, horrid mood swings or nausea. The only thing that I can say I had was fatigue. I was beyond tired at night. So, when 700 would come around, I was pretty much in bed. I couldn't stand to stay up and blog after Miss Mia was asleep.

Another "me" thing has been my goal of 10,000 steps. I've completed that goal every day - but today. After yesterday's workout, I was a little sore. I also thought I needed to give myself a break - not really certain it's good for the body to work out 45 minutes or so each day, especially just starting out. Yah, those are all excuses for what comes down to "I'm just lazy and couldn't push myself to move my butt!"

Good news - I'm still down on weight. Even with the pizza night last night! I'm excited. I might finally be starting on the right path for weight loss!

Oh - and my legs, starting to look fab! LOVE it - I mean, them!

Still taking cinnamon and fish oil supplement as well as the prenatal vitamin. The 2500 mg metformin XR a day are not kicking my butt. So, very happy with that as well! Just can't wait until I lose weight and can reduce amount I'm on! Fingers crossed!

Tomorrow - jumping back on the work out trail!

Steve and I are "enjoying" the "every other night" part of the Clomid prescription. This will continue for the next week - through at least next Monday. And no, I'm not thinking of the doc while we follow the prescription!

Me Time (Part 2)

The day is coming to a close. I'm curled up in bed under my quilts and feather comforter. My adorable little Miss Mia is curled up beside me, reliving the excitement of the day in her dreams. I am going to try to remember all that Dr. T. told me . . .

It began with her being 45 minutes late . . . and I was her first appointment.

I did not have a good mindset when she came in. Sorry, but 45 minutes late when the weather was beautiful and the roads were perfect is just beyond rude. So, when she walked in, I wasn't my usual, perky, chit chatty self. I think she realized that. She went through the thick folder containing all of my blood work, etc. She told me that two of the levels were high, the TSH and DHEA (I'm guessing on the second, not 100%). My thyroid hormones were all on the high side of normal. So, she said it was definite that I had PCOS and Hashimoto's. She was going to continue treating the Insulin Resistance part of PCOS, but there was nothing to be done with the Hashimoto's as the levels were still within "normal" range.

She was most upset with my weight - and the fact I actually gained a pound since July (seriously, I think I'm the same as then. Hello, wearing heavy sweater over shirt with jeans and heavy winter shoes. Summer, I just had on jeans, tshirt and sneakers). But, beside the whine on my end, she emphasized a few times that I need, need NEED to lose weight.

She was on board with Dr. D prescribing the Clomid. She did tell me to call ASAP should I get preggers b/c she'll need to start running thyroid checks monthly b/c it could be a potentially life-threatening situation for the babe. Also, with my dose of meds being so high (she increased to the absolute max of 2500), they might want to take me off for the first trimester and then put me back on after. I'm praying that doesn't happen. I'd like to have second pregnancy to be med free, just like the first.

I took my first 2500 dose tonight. Feeling it. Got the woozy headache. As soon as I post this, I'm turning off the lights and going to sleep.

I know there is more that we talked about today, but cannot recall the entire conversation at present. I'll make an update later this weekend if I remember more.

Me Time

After my appointment with Dr. D last week, I did get my first 'script for Clomid. It's sitting here, on my counter, waiting for the right day to start taking it. What kinda scares me are some of the different blogs and discussion boards with other women TTC. A lot of them seem to have symptoms associated with the drugs. I do NOT need more moodswings! Poor Steve!

Plus, a lot of these women are on a lot higher doseages of the meds. Dr. D doesn't think a woman needs to be stuffed so full of drugs!

This is month 12 in our TTC #2 journey.

For the past 3 days, I've felt as though I've had my period. But - there was nothing. I even woke up early Wednesday morning from the cramps that were so bad. Yesterday, I finally had some spotting and was beyond tired in the evening. Today, full on heavy AF with the usual ache in my lower back and legs. Still really drained, but am up to eat breakfast so I can go see Dr. T, my PCOS doc.

Speaking of Dr. T, I feel as though she's been neglecting me. Seriously. She upped my metXR RX to 2000mg a day and never had me back for bloodwork or a check up in the 6 months since she upped me. She was of the mindset that I would be preggers and not need to come back. Well Hello! Guess I fooled her! PCOS symptoms are getting much worse - won't go into details b/c just brings me down, but just take my word for it.

So, Dr. T and I will be having a chat today. I'm trying to figure out if I need to switch to a reproductive endocrinologist who treats not only the entire insulin resistence part of the PCOS, but also the horrid periods, acne, mood swings thing that goes right along with it.

Decisions.

I guess we'll just wait and see how this appointment goes. Seriously - can she up my meds anymore? I'm already on the high end of recommended doseage!

I'll keep you updated! And please, if it's not too greedy of me, please pray for me - not necessarily that I get preggers, but that we can get this PCOS beast under control and I can get back in charge of my life!

Doc Visit

Went to the doctor today. It was an okay appointment. If my body is still doing crazy things in December, I'm to call him - and he'll start me on a new med. What upset me was the fact that he told me to quit thinking of myself as insulin resistant and just call myself Diabetic - and to treat myself as such. This will be hard for me - I still cannot give up sweets!

One positive - in the year since my last appointment, I'm down 3 pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but every little bit is a victory when I have a body that is fighting weight loss with a stubbornness I haven't encountered before.

The appointment was an hour in length. Seriously! Made me good to have a doctor sit there and talk with me, listening to my concerns and then discussing WITH ME our plan of action!

Doc's Appointment

I went to the doc's Friday morning.

Long story short:

~ increased my meds again
~ all tests are finally coming back in the normal - if still high - range
~ pretty much have to give up my chance for any more children
~ have to go get more blood work in about 45 minutes
~ oh, and it may be a tumor causing these funky, funky problems

~ I cried.

Yet Another Negative . . . .

This is why PCOS is evil!

I'm going on more than a week late with my period . . . yes, again. So, to make certain my insulin meds aren't hurting the baby, I get to take lots of pregnancy tests. Unfortunately, they always have the same result - one line instead of two.

Someone I know, no names mentioned, has had 3 abortions . . . couldn't I just borrow her unwanted fertility for one month? I only want one more baby. I love my Miss Mia and I don't want her to be an only child.

Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful for having Miss Mia. Seriously, each and every time I'm holding her, I just marvel at her existence! I don't want to sound ungrateful. I don't want to sound as though I don't thank God every night when I say my prayers that He heard me and gave me the most wonderful child I could ever want.

I'm greedy.

I love being a mommy and want to be a mommy again and again and again. Oh wait, no, that might be triplets!

Anyway . . . we've got another negative and I'm wishing chocolate was a PCOS-ly acceptable food group.

Rag-y Tag-y Sewing Fun

The above is a walker tote I made for Steve's Mom for Mother's Day. I love the material - Steve actually picked it out. It's pretty cute.

My experiment with a Rag-y Tag-y that was given to Miss Mia. She loves chewing on the fabric stuffed tags.


A Rag-y Tag-y and two burp cloths for my TL.

Just the Rag-y Tag-y.

The Rag-y Tag-y and burp cloths again.

First off - thought we'd be celebrating a blessing in 9 months, but it was a false alarm. My friend just decided to wait an entire week after she should have been here to arrive. Crazy annoying PCOS symptoms will getcha every time ;)

Next, for some reason, I've been crazy-mad for sewing. I had this huge brain-storm for ideas as my TL at work (well, his wifey) is due on the 11th. I came up with a Rag-y Tag-y and Rag-y burp cloths. If I were close to the TL, I would have thought about throwing together a baby throw as well.

I washed and dried those new baby gifts today. They are cute, if I must say so myself!

***

I made a walker tote for Steve's Mom as well today. The instructions were horrid and I ended up just kinda doing what I thought was right. I used two yards of material for a tiny little tote. I will NOT be using the instructions again!

Lifestyle Change

Okay, so I've been using the new meds for close to a month now. We were pretty much certain that, by now, I would be well on my way to losing weight (or being pregnant).

Unfortunately, my period made its appearance last week and I've actually gained a pound since starting the meds.

Tonight is one of my nights where the frustration is getting to me. I have been faithfully doing my workouts and have been doing research on a GI Diet. From the research I've been doing, I have already been following the GI Diet, although not as faithfully as I should.

Again, if I'm staying away from the sweets, the caffeine, the sodas, etc and working out, why can I not see a single pound erased off of the scale?

There is also a new wave of pregnancy amongst friends and co-workers. I am so, so blessed to have Miss Mia, and I know this. At the same time, my heart wants nothing more than another baby (or two) to love. I also remember growing up with my brother and all of my cousins and feel as though Miss Mia will miss out on all of that because my body is so messed up. Not only am I failing my heart, I'm failing my daughter.

I will sit back and look at the positives - I have a great and wonderful daughter. I am, with my GI Diet, creating a healthier lifestyle in my family (and no, I won't feel guilty that my daughter will not be raised on fast food and sodas . . . . I wasn't and I don't regret my childhood).

Now, I must go . . . someone is up and hungry.

Me Time

Last Friday was my doctor's appointment - the first since I went back on my meds. After weeks of killer workouts and watching what I eat, I had to go to the doc's and let her know that I was unsuccessful in losing a single pound.

She looked over my chart and saw that my levels were still high, even on the meds. Added to the weight loss issues, she decided that I needed my meds increased. So, I'm now on 1500 a day - and the pills are huge! They're a full meal in and of themselves!

Let's hope these meds will kick start my body on it's track back to normal. I hate the migraines and total fatigue. I want to be a good Mommy to Mia, and that can't happen if I'm in bed with a migraine.

Prison

Tonight, when I sit here, I think this picture fits me perfectly. It's a pic of the gate leading to my front door. It's frozen shut due to the massive amount of freezing rain, rain, sleet and snow we were hit with today.

I feel like I'm frozen in place. I have been doing so many workouts and changing how I eat, and I'm getting nowhere. Weighing myself, I see that, in the 5 weeks I've been working out, I'm down approx three pounds. TOTAL. I also found out tonight that I will not be able to continue drinking pop. I had a few sips of orange pop tonight and was instantly sick. I'm glad I'm not a big pop fan to begin with!

Back to the weight thing. One of my co-workers, a sweet and wonderful, not to mention caring, woman, asked me today if I were pregnant again. She and I don't work the same schedule and she was seeing me for the first time in a long while. She swore that my rounded belly was the sign of a new life being formed. How sad and depressing when I had to tell her it was just one of the symptoms of PCOS - the joy of looking pregnant when your body refuses to BE pregnant. If you can't tell, that last was said just DRIPPING with sarcasm.

So yeah, it wasn't the best of days. I do believe I might try to get in touch with my doctor or even the health insurance just to see if there is any help I can get i/e a dietitian, or books to read. Something that will help me with the weight stagnation, and the desire to continue changing my diet to a much healthier one that will be good not only for me, but for the rest of my family.

Slacker

I am a horrid slacker.

I haven't started working on my Mary Kay totals for last year's taxes.

I haven't put all my Christmas Decorations away.

I haven't stared on Amelia's scrapbook.

Heck, I still owe my best friend her Wedding Quilt - from the week before Amelia was born.

What I do know is that the time I've been able to spend with Amelia has been well worth being a slacker in all other parts of my life! I love the little gal so much more each day. She's starting to pull herself up, using anything possible. She's even to the point where, if nothing is around, she's pushing herself up. Yeh, not meeting with much success there; she topples over rather quickly.

For me, being on my meds have brought the positive change of very rare migraines. When I do have one, it's not nearly as killer as before. I still have all the other issues, and they don't seem to be lessening. I'm wondering if that means I'm closer to diabetes and will need my meds increased next time I go back. I don't like that idea at all.

I have also noticed an increase in depression. It might be because of the massive amount of snow outside, but it's still beautiful, so I don't think that's it. Last Tuesday was so bad, I spent the entire evening in bed crying. Steve and Amelia weren't able to do anything to cheer me up. I guess, if this keeps up, I'll be talking to the doc about that as well.

Had my second period since the baby. This one was horrid. Wish someone would've warned me. UGH. But, it is nice to know that my body is following a schedule instead of going months between like it was doing (another positive for the meds).

I found a good support group. It's been a relief to read through other people's symptoms and know that I'm not the only one out there feeling like the world's biggest freak. In a lot of ways, I have it much better . . . I was able to get pregnant after only 18 months - and not using Clomid. I pray for the others in my group who are having difficulties. I know what it was like to have so many preggers friends - and half of them laughing about how they hadn't even been trying.

To go along with the above - have been keeping up my workout. It gets really discouraging as I've been working out 2 times a day, for around 60-90 minutes total daily workouts and I'm only down 5 pounds since the 31st of December. Sometimes, I really, really, really hate having PCOS and just wanna scream. Seriously. I love working out, but if I miss a day, I gain at least 3 pounds. My life, right now, is focused on working out, and everything else is coming in a very distant second. I need to get my weight down. Doc was quite adamant about that. My goal is still high school weight, but that's a dream that will never, ever come true. Heck, my goal is to be under 160. Been working at that one now for a month and we're not there. Gee - and I wonder why I have such horrid bouts of depression????

I have so many more entries that need published. Including the food experiments. I'll get there. Still having the Amelia sleep difficulties, so that has kinda pushed all the rest of my evening chores aside. We'll get there . . . .