Baby Daze

So, one of these days, very shortly, I'll have a new little one to hold in my arms. I must say, I'm ready for it RIGHT NOW. Not only am I so eager to meet her and see what type of personality she'll have, but I am so tired of having to deal with this one doctor in the practice with which I deal.

I'm going to make this blog entry all about whining and complaining. If you don't like it - deal. I'm pregnant, cranky and need to vent. So there.

I have spent much of this pregnancy tired and emotional - and I know a lot of it is due to this doctor. I'm afraid. Seriously. I don't know what I'll do if I go into labor and have him as my doctor. I'm praying that I don't have that worry in the delivery room - and I've asked friends and family to do the same.

Let's go back to the beginning of my problems with Dr. Bad. He just came into the practice. We have to see all of the doctors in the practice. I'm okay with this as I love my main doctor and the second is pretty awesome as well. They're both laid back, tell you (it) like it is and are in no way alarmist. So, I was thinking Dr. Bad was going to be the same.

I was wrong. I went to him for the first time when I was around 18 weeks. First off, I was his first appointment of day - and he was approx 45 minutes late. Also, by this appointment, I'd been reducing the amt of Metformin and just needed doc's last okay to go off of it at this appointment. Unfortunately, he decided I was killing the baby as I should have been off of it at 12 weeks, exactly. He decided I needed to go to a specialist. ASAP. He also decided I needed to take 1 hour glucose test.

Oh - another thing!!!! His office helped had taken my blood pressure. She said it was high, so she instantly switched to the other arm and said "oh, it's still high". REALLY? you mean it didn't come down in the two seconds it took you to switch arms???? AND she told me I'd get a high tech ultrasound @ specialist. This was after she yelled at me for not having had a 20 week ultrasound - um, not my decision. Believe me, if I could, I'd have an ultrasound done weekly just to watch the amazing progress of a growing baby.

So anyway, off to specialist I went.

And I was treated like an idiot as specialist told me to go off meds as I was currently doing (specialist had all notes and didn't understand why Dr. Bad had decided it was an emergency to see him).

Next time I had the joy of Dr. Bad - it was to tell me my 1 hour glucose test was good - but he needed me to do a 3 hour - just because I was off of Metformin.

Then, the next appointment with him . . . he told me the baby was obviously measuring bigger due to metformin and I needed to have another ultrasound to check on her weight. Again, this was different than everything up to this point. 20 week ultrasound reflected baby a week and a half behind . . . Drs A and B both said I was measuring the same with each appt and belly measurement.

So, went to ultrasound. Baby was ***SURPRISE*** a week and a half behind.

At that ultrasound, it was determine my heart rate and baby's was high. So, Dr. A sent me to Labor and Delivery to be monitored. Heart rate returned to normal quickly. Dr. A also had bloodwork run just in case - since I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's and the heart rate was "trucking along."

After that appt - saw Dr. B. He thought everything was fine - and Dr. A. had received bloodwork results and saw nothing wrong.

Go to Doctor Bad. Had to wait another 45 minutes as first patient before being seen. Of course, he decided that my bloodwork and the blood pressure/pulse readouts I had taken over the course of the week were "high". My BP is measuring as low and pulse high 80s/low 90s. Baby, at appts, was around 154 bpm. These are all same measurements - execpt for the one bad day - and he had told me before they were fine.

He said I have hypERthyroidism and need to get to endocrinologist ASAP. He told me that I wouldn't understand the hypERthyroidism and didn't bother to explain more. Hello - I'm not a freaking idiot - talk to me. He said he was faxing my results to my doc in meadville . . . uh? I don't have a doc in Meadville. I corrected him more than once - made me feel he gets a bonus for each patient he sends to Meadville.

So, I made appt with Dr. T.

In meantime, had appt with Dr. A. Dr. A said there was NOTHING wrong with my bloodwork and test results and there was NO REASON to go to specialist - but to go just b/c I should have her look the results over - and let everyone know things were okay.

Went to Dr. T today. Dr. Bad will be glad to know that Dr. T believes it was total waste of her time and mine because my bloodwork was in the normal range . . . and if anything was high, it was due to my being pregnant.

Oh, and Dr. Bad never did send that letter to Dr. T. stating that I was hyperthyroid and what my test results were - they had to get them faxed from hptl while I waited.

Yet Another Negative . . . .

This is why PCOS is evil!

I'm going on more than a week late with my period . . . yes, again. So, to make certain my insulin meds aren't hurting the baby, I get to take lots of pregnancy tests. Unfortunately, they always have the same result - one line instead of two.

Someone I know, no names mentioned, has had 3 abortions . . . couldn't I just borrow her unwanted fertility for one month? I only want one more baby. I love my Miss Mia and I don't want her to be an only child.

Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful for having Miss Mia. Seriously, each and every time I'm holding her, I just marvel at her existence! I don't want to sound ungrateful. I don't want to sound as though I don't thank God every night when I say my prayers that He heard me and gave me the most wonderful child I could ever want.

I'm greedy.

I love being a mommy and want to be a mommy again and again and again. Oh wait, no, that might be triplets!

Anyway . . . we've got another negative and I'm wishing chocolate was a PCOS-ly acceptable food group.

Various Thoughts to Toss Out There

1. I was told today I was a bad Mommy due to the Easter Bunny not giving Miss Mia chocolate in her Easter Basket. One - she's 9 months, she is barely eating food, why would I start feeding her sugars and caffeine already?

2. I loved my detail last week, but I am very glad to be away from the pregnancy-laden office! Being in a pod with three other people, all of whom were pregnant, was hard. Again, I am so, so happy with my blessing I do have, but when I'm having so many issues with my body and feeling as though it continues to fail me, seeing pregnant women just seems to really bring me down.

3. Back to the bad Mommy thing. We were talking about vacations, and needing time away from our children the other day at lunch. I said I had never left Amelia overnight somewhere - people who had kids the same age as Miss Mia were making me feel like a clingy Momma as they had all left their kids with grandparents, aunts, etc. Finally, Georgie stood up and said she hasn't been away from her son overnight - and he's 9. So, she made me feel good.
But, this got me to thinking. Why the heck should I feel guilty that I love my daughter and want to share the joys and sorrows of life with her? I know, as she grows older, there will be times that I'll do adult-only activities, and she'll stay with Gramma, but it just really got me that some of my friends and co-workers seem so eager for an excuse to get away from their kids (and this includes a co-workers whose child is same age as Miss Mia and is also an only child as is Miss Mia). I do dinners with the gals - and Miss Mia hangs out with Daddy or Gramma. Maybe I'm weird to think that family is important and that I should embrace reasons for me to hang out with my Miss Mia. Hmmmmm.

Okay, bad clingy, non-chocolate giving Mommy's hubby is home. Gonna give him a hug and eat the chocolate that didn't go in Miss Mia's Easter Basket ;)

Lifestyle Change

Okay, so I've been using the new meds for close to a month now. We were pretty much certain that, by now, I would be well on my way to losing weight (or being pregnant).

Unfortunately, my period made its appearance last week and I've actually gained a pound since starting the meds.

Tonight is one of my nights where the frustration is getting to me. I have been faithfully doing my workouts and have been doing research on a GI Diet. From the research I've been doing, I have already been following the GI Diet, although not as faithfully as I should.

Again, if I'm staying away from the sweets, the caffeine, the sodas, etc and working out, why can I not see a single pound erased off of the scale?

There is also a new wave of pregnancy amongst friends and co-workers. I am so, so blessed to have Miss Mia, and I know this. At the same time, my heart wants nothing more than another baby (or two) to love. I also remember growing up with my brother and all of my cousins and feel as though Miss Mia will miss out on all of that because my body is so messed up. Not only am I failing my heart, I'm failing my daughter.

I will sit back and look at the positives - I have a great and wonderful daughter. I am, with my GI Diet, creating a healthier lifestyle in my family (and no, I won't feel guilty that my daughter will not be raised on fast food and sodas . . . . I wasn't and I don't regret my childhood).

Now, I must go . . . someone is up and hungry.

Prison

Tonight, when I sit here, I think this picture fits me perfectly. It's a pic of the gate leading to my front door. It's frozen shut due to the massive amount of freezing rain, rain, sleet and snow we were hit with today.

I feel like I'm frozen in place. I have been doing so many workouts and changing how I eat, and I'm getting nowhere. Weighing myself, I see that, in the 5 weeks I've been working out, I'm down approx three pounds. TOTAL. I also found out tonight that I will not be able to continue drinking pop. I had a few sips of orange pop tonight and was instantly sick. I'm glad I'm not a big pop fan to begin with!

Back to the weight thing. One of my co-workers, a sweet and wonderful, not to mention caring, woman, asked me today if I were pregnant again. She and I don't work the same schedule and she was seeing me for the first time in a long while. She swore that my rounded belly was the sign of a new life being formed. How sad and depressing when I had to tell her it was just one of the symptoms of PCOS - the joy of looking pregnant when your body refuses to BE pregnant. If you can't tell, that last was said just DRIPPING with sarcasm.

So yeah, it wasn't the best of days. I do believe I might try to get in touch with my doctor or even the health insurance just to see if there is any help I can get i/e a dietitian, or books to read. Something that will help me with the weight stagnation, and the desire to continue changing my diet to a much healthier one that will be good not only for me, but for the rest of my family.

Slacker

I am a horrid slacker.

I haven't started working on my Mary Kay totals for last year's taxes.

I haven't put all my Christmas Decorations away.

I haven't stared on Amelia's scrapbook.

Heck, I still owe my best friend her Wedding Quilt - from the week before Amelia was born.

What I do know is that the time I've been able to spend with Amelia has been well worth being a slacker in all other parts of my life! I love the little gal so much more each day. She's starting to pull herself up, using anything possible. She's even to the point where, if nothing is around, she's pushing herself up. Yeh, not meeting with much success there; she topples over rather quickly.

For me, being on my meds have brought the positive change of very rare migraines. When I do have one, it's not nearly as killer as before. I still have all the other issues, and they don't seem to be lessening. I'm wondering if that means I'm closer to diabetes and will need my meds increased next time I go back. I don't like that idea at all.

I have also noticed an increase in depression. It might be because of the massive amount of snow outside, but it's still beautiful, so I don't think that's it. Last Tuesday was so bad, I spent the entire evening in bed crying. Steve and Amelia weren't able to do anything to cheer me up. I guess, if this keeps up, I'll be talking to the doc about that as well.

Had my second period since the baby. This one was horrid. Wish someone would've warned me. UGH. But, it is nice to know that my body is following a schedule instead of going months between like it was doing (another positive for the meds).

I found a good support group. It's been a relief to read through other people's symptoms and know that I'm not the only one out there feeling like the world's biggest freak. In a lot of ways, I have it much better . . . I was able to get pregnant after only 18 months - and not using Clomid. I pray for the others in my group who are having difficulties. I know what it was like to have so many preggers friends - and half of them laughing about how they hadn't even been trying.

To go along with the above - have been keeping up my workout. It gets really discouraging as I've been working out 2 times a day, for around 60-90 minutes total daily workouts and I'm only down 5 pounds since the 31st of December. Sometimes, I really, really, really hate having PCOS and just wanna scream. Seriously. I love working out, but if I miss a day, I gain at least 3 pounds. My life, right now, is focused on working out, and everything else is coming in a very distant second. I need to get my weight down. Doc was quite adamant about that. My goal is still high school weight, but that's a dream that will never, ever come true. Heck, my goal is to be under 160. Been working at that one now for a month and we're not there. Gee - and I wonder why I have such horrid bouts of depression????

I have so many more entries that need published. Including the food experiments. I'll get there. Still having the Amelia sleep difficulties, so that has kinda pushed all the rest of my evening chores aside. We'll get there . . . .

Rainy Days and Mondays

It's dreary here tonight. Walking out of work was so depressing. It was already dark, due to the heavy clouds looming overhead.

At home, I tried getting the house in order for Thursday. Steve is upset that we're having Thanksgiving. After 6 years, he should know we're going to have have Turkey Day. I'd rather have it than go anywhere. I can't help it I'm such a homebody. Plus, my depression is really bad right now, so I think that's playing a part.

While I cuddled with Amelia, Steve warmed my dinner - and shattered a depression plate - don't ask. I have no clue why hubby would decide to place an ANTIQUE in the microwave. Then, DH began putting away some of Amelia's items from the family room. AND cracked the pack n play. Let's not even get into the fact that my carpets are half scrubbed, due to the bissell scrubber dying.

I now have a migraine, the house looks worse than it did before I got home from work, and it's raining outside. Not the best of nights. But there were some positives. I got to cuddle with Amelia, Hansy is being a lovey doggie tonight, and my mom cuddled with Amelia while Dad and Steve got the mattresses from my guest room (now nursery) ready to be moved to their house for THEIR guest room (my old room).

At work, I pulled the same name for Secret Santa as I had last year. What are the odds??? Now, I'm trying to figure out my benefits plans for work and just what tier I want for medical, dental and vision, and how much to put in for my flexible spending. Two more days this week! Yeah! And, yoga tomorrow after work. I'm not looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am. Again, it's that entire homebody thing. I just don't wanna leave my house.

Since I'm in SUCH the wah wah mood tonight, I'll just say that I'm having massive guilt issues over the entire BF vs formula thing. My symptoms are coming back, sometimes a lot worse than before, and I know I ned to start on my meds again. I just feel this horrendous guilt for not continuing with the BF for the entire year as I had wanted. I just gotta tell myself that the formula is a small price to pay for not having this horrid migraines that take away hours of my life that I could be enjoying with Amelia.

Now, I think I'm gonna go get a snack . . . something like air popped popcorn, or pumpkin butter on oatmeal bread.

Sunday Evening Ramble

The dryer is running in the background while Miss Mia and I cuddle in our big chair waiting for Daddy to get home. She is grabbing her feet and determining if both will fit in her mouth at the same time. Every-so-often, she turns around and glances at me, smiling when we make eye contact. She amazes me with the new things she learns, seemingly overnight. Sometimes, it feels as though my heart will burst with how much I love her!

Daddy is home now, and Amelia has gone into his arms for some Daddy and Me cuddle time. I know I need to get up and get my pumps so I can express milk and go to bed. But, I'm tired. Can't I just sleep here on my chair? Can't my milk just somehow magically end up in her baabaas?

Tonight, while Amelia sat in her high chair, I made skillet lasagna. She is very enamoured of bottles, and reaches for my water bottle each time I get something to drink. So, I thought I'd see how she reacted by giving her one of the sippy cups we've accumulated. She loved it. Yeah, by the time she was done, she was soaked, but she enjoyed drinking from the sippy cup, holding it without any help from Mommy. I don't think any liquid actually made it into her mouth, but she was so happy and smiley from being able to add yet another accomplishment to her list of firsts!

We're still working on our "first foods". We've done sweet potatoes and pumpkin so far. My mom came up last night and we baked 4 pumpkins and made them into puree - for baby food and for pumpkin pies. I also made some into pumpkin butter. It was the first time I made anything with the pumpkin butter recipe and I'm still not certain if I like it or not.

Well, I work in office tomorrow, so I'm going to get my lazy butt up and get pumping so I can go crawl in bed . . .